update 7/30/23: things seem to be going back to normal. the air conditioning is fixed and i got a new charger that seems to be working. i’ll let you guys know if anything changes

my ipad is going all funky again. it keeps randomly turning off and refusing to turn back on, and it refuses to charge using my charger. it’s only working with my dad’s charger, which is upstairs, and the upstairs air conditioning just broke for the second time this month, so i have to be really careful bc if i use my ipad too long or i put strain on it then it’ll get super hot which is Not Good considering the entire second floor of my house is already a sauna

so yeah. not very good circumstances right now LMAO. this thing is like, my age, and i know i desperately need an upgrade but we just Don’t have the money rn

so i’ll be basically unable to draw digitally until further notice. i still have access to my sketchbook & my kindle so i can still draw and look up references and stuff. i just have to be careful bc my kindle is 10x more fragile than my ipad

i’ll also be very inactive until further notice. i’ll pop on to check in on everyone, but other than that i’ll be trying not to use my ipad too much

i’ll update if things get better or worse 🤞 i love you guys

maybe i’ll start doing like, monthly updates/rambles? would anybody be interested in that? idk but it sounds cool

i just wanted to get all my thoughts down on paper bc ive been Thinking a lot lately even tho not much has been happening with me. nothing serious dw, i’m not gonna vent on my Newgrounds Blog Posts lmao, i’m just mindlessly rambling about silly stuff ive been thinking about

not starting/finishing stuff

anyway. ive been doing a lot of art stuff but at the same time i haven’t? if that makes sense? like I’ve been doing a bunch of studies and finally learning stuff ive been procrastinating on learning and im honestly so proud of myself for finally getting off of my ass and doing shit. if you know me then you know by now that i have a very difficult time with that LMAO

but ive noticed that i never actually finish stuff, for the past few months I’ve basically only been doing little doodles in my sketchbook and then calling it a day. it’s gotten to the point where im not rlly used to rendering or lining and stuff anymore, which i found out when i did artfight (ive been SO lazy about that but i just. don’t care about it anymore. even tho i only did 2 attacks and july is already about to end LMAO. i feel bad about it but ehhhh) 

like, it’s ok to take a break with a bunch of sketches every now and then, you don’t have to force yourself to finish anything if you’re feeling tired or burnt out, but i do want to draw and i do want to actually finish something, barely draw as much as i used to anymore. when i was younger i used to get bored and be like “ok ill go draw” then id start and finish a piece and be like “wow that was fun” and then move on. but now I feel like drawing and ill be like “ok now i have to choose a character and find a fitting reference and then do some warm-ups and hope it turns out okay” and. that’s intimidating as hell. especially when i end up scrolling on pinterest for hours and not finding any refs,,,,

like, im not even sure if the problem is that i don’t finish drawings, it’s more like i never start them in the first place. it just gets so overwhelming that i end up doing a small sketch instead. it’s not that i don’t have time to draw, i have way too much time on my hands lmao (especially now that it’s summer. the summer is already almost over and i feel like ive wasted it and just gotten lazier,,, but that’s an entirely different topic) 

i think the main root of this problem is that i overthink it and i fear art and i’m afraid of making a mistake, and since im going in with the intent of finishing it and posting it, i try to make the drawing “presentable”. which is a big no-no. you should make art for yourself first and foremost, and you don’t have to post everything you make. so for the past few weeks I’ve been trying to get myself used to doing silly drawings that i’m not going to share with anyone, and it’ll just be for my eyes only, so it’s ok if i make a mistake or it doesn’t turn out well. i have a little folder of refs i find interesting so i can just turn to that if i want to quickly find a ref

and ive noticed that ive also subconsciously built up an idea that I can only finalize sketches that are “presentable” or “perfect” or that have no major flaws, or that i used a reference for. and that’s fucking stupid so ive been trying to put an end to that. this is supposed to be fun do whatever the hell you want

also, with action comes motivation so ive been reminding myself to go into procreate every now and then, even if i don’t feel like drawing, to see if i suddenly get an itch or something. it works 99% of the time bc ive been doing art for a good majority of my life so whenever i see a blank canvas, a part of my brain goes 👁

final little tangent before i move on: ive been procrastinating since like, october, on doing traditional art for the first time in years. i actually used to do mainly traditional when i was younger, bc the only digital art program i had access to at the time was bs (and it was either that, the animal jam painting tool, or pen and paper lmao). 

it’s not like i don’t have the supplies. i have several sketchbooks, one of them being a multi-media one i got for my birthday last year, probably hundreds of color pencils and crayons and markers from when me and my brother were younger, a bunch of paints that used to belong to my grandma (dad’s side), hell, i even have cheap oil pastels i got at fuckin ollies. i could use any of those and at least give it a try, but nah. for some reason im too scared to, even though it’s nearly been a year. 

i think a big part of it is the permanence, like, once you make a mark you can’t go back like you can in digital. ive mentioned before that i struggle with fearing art and being afraid of making a mistake, which i need to let go of

my grandma (mom’s side) was a photographer and we have a book full of pictures that she took, and my mom wanted me to try drawing one of those pictures. last year i went through the book and saved some of the pictures i found cool, and i had been planning on drawing them traditionally to get myself used to the medium. almost a year later and i still haven’t done that lmao. it’s a cool idea tho, i do want to do it one day

on a lighter note…

i’ve been doing a lot of studies lately!!!! this is totally not like me so im happy about that. im taking care not to burn myself out tho

ive been breaking out of my comfort zone too. like recently, i finally tried drawing in pen and it’s actually really fun. i was initially scared bc of the permanence + im so used to using a bunch of guidelines and being able to go back that i didn’t know if itd turn out shitty or not lmao. but it’s been going a lot better than i expected! ive been breaking down everything into shapes and kind of drawing those shapes, which has worked out so far. it also forces me to think more about what i want the drawing to look like and if each line i make will benefit that/make it look more how i want it to, which has been very helpful. it also forces me to live with my mistakes and to get used to making mistakes bc they’re a part of the process of making art and they’re nothing to fear

here’s two of my favorites that ive done so far:

ive been using a micro-tip brush pen that feels super nice to use. it’s really useful being able to go from thick to thin lines even with a pen, but im still trying to get used to it

ive also been doing some studies of bird wings bc the mcyt fandom has me in a death grip, and that fandom loves to draw some content creators with wings. and i wanted in lmao. philza, grian, jaiden, quackity, i’m comin @ u

i also did studies of bat wings too bc They’re Cool and there are characters i enjoy with bat wings (COUGH uzi doorman murder drones COUGH). bird & bat wings are actually so much more fun to draw than they look

wings have been a really weak point of mine for like, over 7 years at this point, which makes me feel old and made me want to finally learn how to draw them. i’m proud of myself for finally taking the time to learn something i struggle with

i’m also currently trying to get over one of my biggest drawbacks with art; environments. aghhhh scary

fr tho environments are intimidating as hell. they’re super detailed and i try to simplify it in my head as much as possible, but it’s difficult. im still getting used to perspective shit as well and i think this will be a good opportunity.

like, with creatures n stuff, it’s still scary but it’s less scary bc you’re focusing on one thing. meanwhile, environments are literally everything else. i know i’ll just have to get used to it tho so this morning i finally sat down and drew an environment from reference. it turned out a lot better than i was expecting, i’ll def be practicing more later

anyway this is atrociously long and my brain feels like mush rn. i don’t think anyone actually read this far but if you did then thank you LMAO i hope you guys are doing well <3

SO apparently my nikku drawing got frontpaged on wednesday and i somehow completely missed it????? i literally check the art page every day and i somehow missed this wtf

this is gonna sound so cheesy but i can’t even begin to describe how much this means to me. art is my biggest passion and it has been for my entire life, and it means so much to me. it’s crazy to think my art was considered good enough to be put next to so many talented and skilled people. it’s honestly a little scary lmao. but that fear is overshadowed by the joy i get from seeing people enjoy my art and seeing them leave feedback,,, augh im explaining this badly but the point is, you guys mean so fucking much to me <3 thank you for enjoying my self-indulgent brain mush shit lmao

i was wondering why ive been gaining a lot of new followers recently lmao. to everyone who might have found me through this frontpage: hello!!! welcome!!!! i promise i have some more self-indulgent fanart coming up lmao, especially since ive been getting into some new stuff recently (COUGH qsmp COUGH life smp COUGH welcome to night vale COUGH)

anyway, bonus little note: i’m participating in artfight this year!!!! this was actually what i wanted to make a post about, and that’s how i found out this happened LMAO (i saw the little checkbox for putting this blog on the front page and i was like. wait.)

this is my 4th year and i’m on team vampire!!!! i don’t rlly have any characters im overly attached to, i just want to draw people’s characters LMAO i’m looking to challenge myself this year, as well as get myself more comfortable with doing digital art casually. the site is down rn bc of early bird registration, but for when the site comes back up, my profile is here!

idk if im gonna keep up with this bc i have a hard time committing to stuff like this LMAO but it seems fun and it’s worth a try i think

give me a red character for me to draw in the red area! after that, i’ll ask for an orange character, then a yellow character, so on until it’s complete

i know i said the previous one i posted would be the last one but i’m curious again. how tall do you think i am 👀

obligatory off-topic comment: happy birthday sonic the hedgehog!!!! my favorite chaotic speed man!!!!

rate my art on a scale from 1-10 👀

unrelated ramble as always: i am IMPLODING from episode 5 of murder drones and i am coping with art lmao. that was an absolutely EVIL cliffhanger omg

i REALLY love music so im curious to hear what songs you get reminded of when you see my art 👀

off-topic rant: im working on a drawing rn but it just feels so off and i think it’s because it’s kind of leaning forwards, and now im in the lining stage and i have no clue how to fix it. i am in pain :,)

if i were to redraw any of my old pieces from 2022, which one would you want to see me redraw the most?

i’ve been thinking of redrawing something from when i first joined newgrounds/got into drawing humans bc i want to see how far i’ve come, and plus it might be a nice ego boost lmao

< filler bc i don’t want to leave this empty and i find this meme cute

hi So i already posted these on my art thread, so if you’re interested in bonus stuff like this, maybe check that out :D i’m still happy with these so i thought i’d put them here as filler

anyway, quick rant about insecurity when it comes to art:

it seems like i go through phases where i’m happy with my art and it’s like a safe space for me, and then i realize how incapable i actually am and i start convincing myself i’m not good enough. or i have an itch to draw but the Tiny Little Guy In My Brain tells me i shouldn’t bother bc it’ll just turn out awful and it’ll be a waste of my time. or i make something i’m not happy with and i wonder how many people would unfollow me if they found out i made it (i’m surprised that’s as much of a problem as it is for me bc usually i try not to bother with the “social media” aspect of this and i just do it for fun). don’t get me wrong, i love people interacting with my art and giving feedback, it actually gives me motivation to keep going. but it can also go the other way around and it unintentionally pressures me to make something perfect even tho i know that’s not possible

that’s something i struggle with a lot, the pressure to make something perfect. ive noticed that for the past few months, i’ve been going through sudden phases where i’m super self-critical about my own art and others’ art, and then a week later i’m all good again. like, for a few days straight i’ll be like “oh my god, this turned out awful. so-and-so would have done this so much better. at this rate you’re never going to get better” and then a week later i’ll be fine. is this part of improvement? is this healthy? no clue lmao but i’m trying

i’m currently in one of those phases rn and it sucks, but every other time this has happened, I’ve pulled through, so i’m trying to stay optimistic ;; over the past few months I’ve become more of a pessimist tho so hopefully getting all this off my chest will help. if anybody else is going through something similar, you aren’t alone and i’m rooting for you!!

OK SO. two characters from two different pieces of media that i really like (aubrey from omori and sylvester from epithet erased) happen to have the same canonical birthday (may 23rd). i knew i wanted to draw one of them for the occasion, but i didn’t know who. so i chose both :D

the thing is, i eventually found out that ANOTHER character’s (nikku from hotline 024/sunset hills) canonical birthday is the day after theirs (may 24th) so i was even more confused bc i wasn’t sure if i could make 3 separate art pieces in such a short time. this should not have been a big deal but in my fandom-obsessed heart It Was

so i tried anyway and apparently i can??? probably???? actually as of posting this i haven’t finished nikku yet but I’ve finished sylvester and aubrey

i’m not gonna post them all on the same day so here’s the “schedule” for this:

may 22nd: sylvester

may 23rd: aubrey

may 24th: nikku

ok im gonna draw now Bye