maybe i’ll start doing like, monthly updates/rambles? would anybody be interested in that? idk but it sounds cool

i just wanted to get all my thoughts down on paper bc ive been Thinking a lot lately even tho not much has been happening with me. nothing serious dw, i’m not gonna vent on my Newgrounds Blog Posts lmao, i’m just mindlessly rambling about silly stuff ive been thinking about

not starting/finishing stuff

anyway. ive been doing a lot of art stuff but at the same time i haven’t? if that makes sense? like I’ve been doing a bunch of studies and finally learning stuff ive been procrastinating on learning and im honestly so proud of myself for finally getting off of my ass and doing shit. if you know me then you know by now that i have a very difficult time with that LMAO

but ive noticed that i never actually finish stuff, for the past few months I’ve basically only been doing little doodles in my sketchbook and then calling it a day. it’s gotten to the point where im not rlly used to rendering or lining and stuff anymore, which i found out when i did artfight (ive been SO lazy about that but i just. don’t care about it anymore. even tho i only did 2 attacks and july is already about to end LMAO. i feel bad about it but ehhhh) 

like, it’s ok to take a break with a bunch of sketches every now and then, you don’t have to force yourself to finish anything if you’re feeling tired or burnt out, but i do want to draw and i do want to actually finish something, barely draw as much as i used to anymore. when i was younger i used to get bored and be like “ok ill go draw” then id start and finish a piece and be like “wow that was fun” and then move on. but now I feel like drawing and ill be like “ok now i have to choose a character and find a fitting reference and then do some warm-ups and hope it turns out okay” and. that’s intimidating as hell. especially when i end up scrolling on pinterest for hours and not finding any refs,,,,

like, im not even sure if the problem is that i don’t finish drawings, it’s more like i never start them in the first place. it just gets so overwhelming that i end up doing a small sketch instead. it’s not that i don’t have time to draw, i have way too much time on my hands lmao (especially now that it’s summer. the summer is already almost over and i feel like ive wasted it and just gotten lazier,,, but that’s an entirely different topic) 

i think the main root of this problem is that i overthink it and i fear art and i’m afraid of making a mistake, and since im going in with the intent of finishing it and posting it, i try to make the drawing “presentable”. which is a big no-no. you should make art for yourself first and foremost, and you don’t have to post everything you make. so for the past few weeks I’ve been trying to get myself used to doing silly drawings that i’m not going to share with anyone, and it’ll just be for my eyes only, so it’s ok if i make a mistake or it doesn’t turn out well. i have a little folder of refs i find interesting so i can just turn to that if i want to quickly find a ref

and ive noticed that ive also subconsciously built up an idea that I can only finalize sketches that are “presentable” or “perfect” or that have no major flaws, or that i used a reference for. and that’s fucking stupid so ive been trying to put an end to that. this is supposed to be fun do whatever the hell you want

also, with action comes motivation so ive been reminding myself to go into procreate every now and then, even if i don’t feel like drawing, to see if i suddenly get an itch or something. it works 99% of the time bc ive been doing art for a good majority of my life so whenever i see a blank canvas, a part of my brain goes 👁

final little tangent before i move on: ive been procrastinating since like, october, on doing traditional art for the first time in years. i actually used to do mainly traditional when i was younger, bc the only digital art program i had access to at the time was bs (and it was either that, the animal jam painting tool, or pen and paper lmao). 

it’s not like i don’t have the supplies. i have several sketchbooks, one of them being a multi-media one i got for my birthday last year, probably hundreds of color pencils and crayons and markers from when me and my brother were younger, a bunch of paints that used to belong to my grandma (dad’s side), hell, i even have cheap oil pastels i got at fuckin ollies. i could use any of those and at least give it a try, but nah. for some reason im too scared to, even though it’s nearly been a year. 

i think a big part of it is the permanence, like, once you make a mark you can’t go back like you can in digital. ive mentioned before that i struggle with fearing art and being afraid of making a mistake, which i need to let go of

my grandma (mom’s side) was a photographer and we have a book full of pictures that she took, and my mom wanted me to try drawing one of those pictures. last year i went through the book and saved some of the pictures i found cool, and i had been planning on drawing them traditionally to get myself used to the medium. almost a year later and i still haven’t done that lmao. it’s a cool idea tho, i do want to do it one day

on a lighter note…

i’ve been doing a lot of studies lately!!!! this is totally not like me so im happy about that. im taking care not to burn myself out tho

ive been breaking out of my comfort zone too. like recently, i finally tried drawing in pen and it’s actually really fun. i was initially scared bc of the permanence + im so used to using a bunch of guidelines and being able to go back that i didn’t know if itd turn out shitty or not lmao. but it’s been going a lot better than i expected! ive been breaking down everything into shapes and kind of drawing those shapes, which has worked out so far. it also forces me to think more about what i want the drawing to look like and if each line i make will benefit that/make it look more how i want it to, which has been very helpful. it also forces me to live with my mistakes and to get used to making mistakes bc they’re a part of the process of making art and they’re nothing to fear

here’s two of my favorites that ive done so far:

ive been using a micro-tip brush pen that feels super nice to use. it’s really useful being able to go from thick to thin lines even with a pen, but im still trying to get used to it

ive also been doing some studies of bird wings bc the mcyt fandom has me in a death grip, and that fandom loves to draw some content creators with wings. and i wanted in lmao. philza, grian, jaiden, quackity, i’m comin @ u

i also did studies of bat wings too bc They’re Cool and there are characters i enjoy with bat wings (COUGH uzi doorman murder drones COUGH). bird & bat wings are actually so much more fun to draw than they look

wings have been a really weak point of mine for like, over 7 years at this point, which makes me feel old and made me want to finally learn how to draw them. i’m proud of myself for finally taking the time to learn something i struggle with

i’m also currently trying to get over one of my biggest drawbacks with art; environments. aghhhh scary

fr tho environments are intimidating as hell. they’re super detailed and i try to simplify it in my head as much as possible, but it’s difficult. im still getting used to perspective shit as well and i think this will be a good opportunity.

like, with creatures n stuff, it’s still scary but it’s less scary bc you’re focusing on one thing. meanwhile, environments are literally everything else. i know i’ll just have to get used to it tho so this morning i finally sat down and drew an environment from reference. it turned out a lot better than i was expecting, i’ll def be practicing more later

anyway this is atrociously long and my brain feels like mush rn. i don’t think anyone actually read this far but if you did then thank you LMAO i hope you guys are doing well <3